Painful Realizations

      So my original intent for this blog was to share what was/is on my heart but I haven't exactly kept with this theme. It's so much easier to be superficial---to write about what I did last weekend or a funny story about friends. Those are all good and well, and I have no intentions of not including those, but I have come to realize these past few weeks how distant and numb my heart really is right now. I have a lot of emotions to sift through, a lot of choices to make, and a relationship to heal. 

     Why is it so easy for me to just turn my heart off? Why is it so easy for me to feel nothing but apathy? I have found myself in a deep valley these past few months and I am ready to climb out. I am ready to see sunlight. I am desperate to feel something, anything. Honesty has always been something very important to me, something that I feel obligated to share with others. But when it comes to myself, I am not always so quick to honesty. Truth hurts. It's ugly. It's messy. It's hard. 

    I am not going to run anymore. 

In church the other day my pastor Greg talked about how Christ was in the business of rescue. And this business is not a one-time-only rescue. He is in the business to rescue us time and time again. He doesn't care who you are, what you have done, how many times you have done it, or how you feel about him. He has made us a promise to rescue us whenever we call. All that is needed is a recognition. A recognition that we are desperate and in need. A recognition that we can no longer pull ourselves up out of the hole and need help. Admitting this is the first step to humility and healing. 

I am ready for my rescue.