Broken

I love when the Lord uses your own words to teach you something. It is such a humbling experience.

I spent the majority of the past two years begging God, pleading with Him to deliver me from my apathy. I spent countless nights in sorrow and anguish, praying for him to wake me up, to rock my world. All throughout my journal I find phrases like......

"I am exhausted. I am sick of feeling nothing. I'm tired of drifting through life, watching it slip through my fingers, paralyzed by lack of heart. I want so desperately to feel something, anything. Wake me up, O Lord, from this deep sleep. Rescue me from darkness."

"Shake me to my core, Rock my world. Breathe life into my lungs. Light a fire in my heart. Let my lips speak of you"

I was hurting. I was stuck. I was enslaved by numbness and apathy. I was searching for peace and life. It took me almost two years to come out of that darkness. And I still battle with it everyday and I'm sure I will continue to battle with it.

For the first time in my life, I am actually experiencing Christ. Sure, I had definite moments over the past two years where I felt His presence and I felt His peace. I learned a lot about Him and myself. But overall I was searching and wounded. I was enslaved by apathy.

The Lord began to show me some areas in my life that needed light. He began to show me pain and hurt that I never really knew existed. He began to show me that it's not about me getting things right, rather, it's Him working through me that is right. He shattered my perspective of Him--one that was tainted with broken images. I had to realize that no one on this earth will love me well. It sucked, but I had to come to that realization to fully accept my need for Christ. My earthly parents have failed me. My best friend has failed me, and will continue to. My husband, too, will fail me. I cannot and refuse to put my hope in people.

I had to learn to let go of my plans. My future is His to work with. I want to allow Him to lead me, wherever that is.

I had to learn that my life is really not my own. That is so cliche, and I know we hear that all the time, but it is so true to me right now. I can't help but be terrified of what my life would look like if I lived just by what made me feel happy. Because earthly happiness is fleeting. It disappears as soon as it comes over us. I do not want to realize this on my death bed. I don't want to end up, 80 years old, wondering what impact I made on this earth. I want to be sure, and confident that I made a difference. That the Lord didn't waste His time on me. At the end of my life, I want to know that it was worth it. That my life wasn't found in things or people, but that it was found in His love and glory.

This is what freedom in Christ is really all about. Freedom from the bondage of failed expectations and false hope. Everything on this earth is TEMPORARY. No matter how constant and solid it may feel, it's not. That flashy new toy will soon be covered in dust at the top of your closet.

I cannot express how grateful and thankful I am for healing and rest. I cannot put into words how indebted I am to Christ for delivering me and rescuing me. But at the same time, I never want to forget where I came from. I never want to forget that time of darkness, because it makes me appreciate the life. I don't want to take for granted the life that the Lord has put into my heart, because for years I was miserable and conflicted.

And I am not, by ANY means, put together. I am still broken. I am still going to be hurt and experience pain. But I am okay with that. I have a new peace and rest in my heart that comes from Christ.

I found this sentence in my journal, which is really what sparked this whole saga so I will leave you with it:

"Just remember, the same God that makes the rough days, makes the good ones. He hasn't forsaken you and He gave you that rough day for a reason."

Praise God for brokenness.