Eyes

A challenging thought, sparked by Neil Greathouse's sermon this week (http://neilgreathouse.com/)

What if we thought of people in terms of souls? What if we saw and treated people in terms of their soul.....Each person has a soul that is going to spend eternity somewhere. That could be one of two places: heaven and hell.

What if all it took for that soul to spend eternity in heaven was for you to be a bit uncomfortable, spare a half a tank of gas, spend a few dollars, sacrifice an hour of your time? What if all it took was for you to pay attention to them, compliment their sweater, converse with them about the weather?

People are hurting.

People are screaming on the inside, confused, angry, depressed, horribly upset.

Their eyes speak of years of searching, wandering. Their eyes speak of a pain so deep that only Christ could touch it.

But if we spend our lives walking around on our cellphones, ipods blasting in our ears, heads bent down, staring at sidewalks, we won't have a chance to see those eyes. We won't have a chance to reach those hearts.

And that soul could spend eternity in hell, simply because we didn't want to be uncomfortable or awkward or waste time in seemingly pointless conversations. Jesus cares about those conversations. And He certainly cares about those eyes, those souls.

A People Undeserved

It is sometimes hard for me to accept that Christ really has my best interest in mind and wants to "prosper me" (Jer. 29:11). It is easy for me to assume that Christ is punishing me--when things happen in my life that are difficult or uncomfortable, I am quick to feel like "This is what I deserve." I easily recognize my insignificant position and sinful ways. I understand that concept pretty easily. But, I don't think that Christ wants me to stay in that mindset. I don't think he wants me to continually feel like I don't deserve anything in life.

When I was growing up, grace was not something that I understood or really saw modeled for me a whole lot. Thus, whenever I did something wrong, I could expect punishment and correction. I could guarantee that if I stepped out of line, I was going to get something for it. Thus, you can see how this concept is easily transfered over to how I view my Heavenly Father. (I know I've talked about this countless times in my blog, but my perception of Christ is the most important part of my life, and so a lot of my struggles stem from that relationship.) So, I get the whole idea of punishment, judgement, correction, etc. But it would be foolish and blasphemy to the name of Christ if I stayed in that mindset. That's not who Christ is. There is so much more to Him, so much love and GRACE. Holy cow. Grace. What a beautiful thing! I just wish that I could believe in that grace all the time!

This past few weeks have been tough for me. They've been tough because the Lord has been stripping some things from my life. Of course, I am quick to assume that it's because I am making poor decisions. I blame myself and feel like "Yep, this is what I get!" But, at the same time, the Lord is tugging at my heart. And I am being brutally honest with Him. I've cried out to Him, telling Him that I feel like all He ever does is punish me. I told Him that I know He's not just out to get me, but that I am having a hard time understanding and feeling His love and grace. So, I asked Him to allow me to feel that love and grace. Emotions are not the most important part of my relationship with Christ, but it is crucial, I think, to feel that love every now and then. So, anyways, the Lord is showing up big time in my life. And I am loving every minute of it. He is working on my mindset and perception of Him--and breaking down those walls. They are still up, I'm not saying that I am completely healed, but I know that Christ is not going to let me stay this way. He loves me too much!

So, here are a few verses He showed me this past week that have meant a lot, and the last one is a verse that is so dear to my heart. That last verse the Lord brought to me at such a critical time in my life, and I read it quite often. The Lord is good.

"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities"

"...so far as the East is from the West, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Psalm 103:10

"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea." Psalm 102:17

"He tends to His flock like Shepards; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11

"Gently leads" is a phrase that stuck out to me. I have a hard time seeing that sensitive side of Christ, the side that wants to gently lead me, love me, hold me when I'm crying. Instead of running to the comfort and solitude of my room, in the corner where no one could see me--the Lord wants me to run to Him. He wants me to run into His arms, and be held. That is such a foreign concept to me, but one the Lord is continuing to reveal to me.

In closing, i think it's important to realize our brokenness. It is important to realize that yes, your sins do deserve punishment. In fact, our sins deserve death. BUT that's not how Christ wants us to live. Because of His son's death on the cross, we have the freedom to live a life unbound to those sins. And that doesn't just mean that we can go Heaven. Christ's death also means that we can have freedom this side of Heaven--we can have freedom in our mindsets, freedom in our hearts, freedom in our relationships. Christ wants to feel undeserved but at the same time, feel the weight of His grace. He wants us to rise up and lead lives that are humble, but powerful. Because anything that we do, say, hear, think, feel--is a gift. A gift that should be USED, not holed up inside the corners of your room.

Importance of pain

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping in intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. the only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell".

--C.S. Lewis

Frustration from Inspiration

*Could it be that our greatest inspiration, is often our the source of our greatest frustration?

I attended one session of the Dirt conference a few weeks ago, and this was a question that Neil Greathouse posed. I had trouble wrapping my mind around the question at first, but here I am--a few weeks later, understanding a little more of what he meant! Each of us are wired to have certain desires and passions--we are all geared for some sort of purpose. Some of us are more passionate about the elderly, the poor, the rich, the lost, the broken, etc. Some of us want to relocate in a foreign country and spend our lives pouring into those orphans, prisoners, mothers, etc. You get my point.

I don't know if you have experienced the true joy that comes from finding your 'niche' or passion, but when you find it, you definitely know. There is something inside of you that sparks, ignites. And you feel purposeful, you feel useful. Those moments are motivation for me. I long to experience that Divine joy that comes from doing God's will. It gets me excited about being here on this wretched earth. It lets me know that I am not just a waste of space!

Those moments have always come to me when I was working with people. I definitely know that is how I am wired--I am energized by being around people, by helping them, communicating with them, etc. I have felt most alive when building relationships that benefit others. Which is why I have always loved being in/leading small groups. It is a perfect place for me to fulfill my passion.

But, it is in relationships with people that I have been most frustrated in life. That inspiration can quickly become frustration. And I think it all has to do with where I place my hope. If my hope is in that relationship or in that person, I will quickly become disheartened and disappointed. The truth is, people will always fail you. In some way or another, the most beloved person in your life has let you down. Because of the fall of man, we can never love with a perfect love. Which brings me to my point that if I am receiving my fulfillment and motivation from that earthly relationship, I am going to end up being disappointed one way or another. It may not be immediate or it may not be entirely devastating, but it is definitely not going to give me that joy that comes from Christ. Now, I can better understand what Neil Greathouse meant.

In conclusion, you cannot put your hope in the passion or inspiration itself. Your fulfillment must come first from Christ. When you are fulfilled in Him, then you are able to fulfill your purpose here on earth. Which is no easy task. I think I will always have to find this balance and fight the tendency to place my hope in people.

My point of this is not to hate on humans or say that you shouldn't place any hope or expectations on them, my point is that your source and life should not be found in people. Because you will end up frustrated every single time. You will end up feeling rejected and alone, disheartened. Humans are capable of wonderful acts of love, especially when they are filled with Christ. But the moment you start to rely on them, that is the moment your greatest inspiration becomes your greatest frustration.

A groaning heart

This verse has been my water these past few months. I am in a territory that is new, foreign, and scary. But so beautiful. So worth it. So fulfilling. I am truly at a crossroads and my desire is to let Christ use my life as He sees fit--His perfect will. And I have NO idea how that is going to look :)

"In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness, We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hears knows the mind of the spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

I really have no idea what God's will for my life is. NO IDEA. But that's okay. I don't have to have it together and I don't have to know what to pray for, because the spirit intercedes with groans that I cannot express. Thank you, Jesus.

A Thought

Our job as Christians, or "Little Christs", is not to condemn, convict, or convince. Our job as "Little Christs" is to share glimpses of the kingdom. We are to show others what can come next!

What would Christianity look like, then, if that was everybody's goal? I don't think people would hate Christians as much as they do.

-Erika

Motivation from Love not Obligation

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of sermons/conversations about David and his journey on earth. There is a lot to be learned about David. He is a lot like us, but at the same time, he was highly regarded by Christ. The Lord's favor was on David, there is no doubt about it. Yet, we also know that David committed both adultery and murder. Umm, excuse me? A "man after God's own heart" that committed murder? Really? When I think of the worst action possible, murder is pretty high on that list. It makes you stop and think. And it makes you realize how much Christ loves us and how huge His grace is. He was able to forgive David for MURDER. Like literal murder. Like I just killed someone murder. Can you comprehend that? You must. Because its true. "Nothing you can do will separate you from the love of Christ." Do you really believe that? It's easy to recite that verse and to pretend to believe it. But do you really believe it? Do your actions prove that you believe in God's grace?

If so, I think you should feel completely overwhelmed, humbled, amazed. And I realize that its hard to "feel" things sometimes (after all, I understand what it's like to be completely numb), but when you truly grasp the picture of God's grace, it is really astounding. You should feel in-debt to Christ, but not guilty. You should feel like you owe Christ your life, but not be motivated by that debt. The LAST thing Christ wants us to do--in realizing the picture of His grace, is to be motivated by a feeling of obligation. He doesn't want us to do work for His kingdom, because that is what we are SUPPOSED to do.

Think about the times when you know someone has done something for you--maybe given you something or did something for you--because they felt like they had to. It doesn't feel very special, does it? Yes, you appreciate what they did for you, but at the same time, you kind of feel cheated. "Oh gee, thanks for inviting me to your party ten minutes before it started because you knew I found out about it!" That's like a slap in the face! You'd almost rather never have been invited in the first place, because then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Think about how Christ feels when we do things out of obligation. It sucks times a thousand.....We couldn't even comprehend the pain and disappointment.

Let's face it, we are pretty awful people. We deny Christ every single day. We choose other things over him, several times a day. We spend all our time, efforts, emotions on things of THIS world. God is lucky to even get a 15 minute block out of our day. Sure, not all of us are like this, and that's pretty stinking cool, but for must of us, if you stop and think about where all your efforts are going, its elsewhere. I don't mean to say this to make you dwell in your shortcomings, rather to show you much you need Christ and how much we don't deserve His gift. Realize your awfulness and then realize how AWESOME God is for loving you like that!

It's a hard balance to find: motivation by guilt and motivation by love. Trust me. I know. I spent the majority of my life--lets say up until I was about 19 years old (and sometimes have to fight it now)--acting out of fear and guilt. I spent time with Christ, went to church, led a small group, etc because I feared that Christ was going to take something away from me. I did things for His kingdom because I would spend hours feeling guilty if I did not. My heart was completely in the wrong place. Praise the Lord that I was able to realize that and break from that mindset. Yes, we owe Christ our life. Yes, we are dead without Him, but that doesn't mean that we are obligated to love Him. That's why you have the ability to RECEIVE the gift. You don't have to accept a gift. It can sit on your top shelf, unopened, collecting dust. Our hearts should act out of love and gratitude. We should feel so overwhelmed with love that we can't help but speak of His name! We can't help but burst forth with songs of praise because He is our maker and has rescued us from so much pain!

In the end, nothing that we could ever do would even come CLOSE to paying Christ back. So, don't even try! Instead, spend your time and energy loving Christ and loving His people. Spend your time learning as much as possible about Christ and let Him mold your heart. Listen to Him. Talk to Him.

I'll leave you with a pretty cool quote: "God loves you the way that you are, but he refuses to leave you that way."

God loves you in your sin, in your shortcomings, in your selfishness. He loves you, even when you have murdered someone. He just does. It's simple. BUT he refuses to let you remain that way. When you enter into His presence, God is LONGING to change us. He is overcome with excitement with what He wants to do with our life. We just have to let Him.

--Erika

Broken

I love when the Lord uses your own words to teach you something. It is such a humbling experience.

I spent the majority of the past two years begging God, pleading with Him to deliver me from my apathy. I spent countless nights in sorrow and anguish, praying for him to wake me up, to rock my world. All throughout my journal I find phrases like......

"I am exhausted. I am sick of feeling nothing. I'm tired of drifting through life, watching it slip through my fingers, paralyzed by lack of heart. I want so desperately to feel something, anything. Wake me up, O Lord, from this deep sleep. Rescue me from darkness."

"Shake me to my core, Rock my world. Breathe life into my lungs. Light a fire in my heart. Let my lips speak of you"

I was hurting. I was stuck. I was enslaved by numbness and apathy. I was searching for peace and life. It took me almost two years to come out of that darkness. And I still battle with it everyday and I'm sure I will continue to battle with it.

For the first time in my life, I am actually experiencing Christ. Sure, I had definite moments over the past two years where I felt His presence and I felt His peace. I learned a lot about Him and myself. But overall I was searching and wounded. I was enslaved by apathy.

The Lord began to show me some areas in my life that needed light. He began to show me pain and hurt that I never really knew existed. He began to show me that it's not about me getting things right, rather, it's Him working through me that is right. He shattered my perspective of Him--one that was tainted with broken images. I had to realize that no one on this earth will love me well. It sucked, but I had to come to that realization to fully accept my need for Christ. My earthly parents have failed me. My best friend has failed me, and will continue to. My husband, too, will fail me. I cannot and refuse to put my hope in people.

I had to learn to let go of my plans. My future is His to work with. I want to allow Him to lead me, wherever that is.

I had to learn that my life is really not my own. That is so cliche, and I know we hear that all the time, but it is so true to me right now. I can't help but be terrified of what my life would look like if I lived just by what made me feel happy. Because earthly happiness is fleeting. It disappears as soon as it comes over us. I do not want to realize this on my death bed. I don't want to end up, 80 years old, wondering what impact I made on this earth. I want to be sure, and confident that I made a difference. That the Lord didn't waste His time on me. At the end of my life, I want to know that it was worth it. That my life wasn't found in things or people, but that it was found in His love and glory.

This is what freedom in Christ is really all about. Freedom from the bondage of failed expectations and false hope. Everything on this earth is TEMPORARY. No matter how constant and solid it may feel, it's not. That flashy new toy will soon be covered in dust at the top of your closet.

I cannot express how grateful and thankful I am for healing and rest. I cannot put into words how indebted I am to Christ for delivering me and rescuing me. But at the same time, I never want to forget where I came from. I never want to forget that time of darkness, because it makes me appreciate the life. I don't want to take for granted the life that the Lord has put into my heart, because for years I was miserable and conflicted.

And I am not, by ANY means, put together. I am still broken. I am still going to be hurt and experience pain. But I am okay with that. I have a new peace and rest in my heart that comes from Christ.

I found this sentence in my journal, which is really what sparked this whole saga so I will leave you with it:

"Just remember, the same God that makes the rough days, makes the good ones. He hasn't forsaken you and He gave you that rough day for a reason."

Praise God for brokenness.

New Perspective

I'm starting to "get it" a little bit more each day. I'm starting to understand a little bit more each day what my purpose here on this earth is. No, I will never fully understand. But each day, the Lord unravels a new piece of the puzzle.

I've been reading the book Crazy Love (Yes I know it's all the rage these days, but it really is a perspective-shattering book. Challenges you to live life in a much different way and to look at our relationship with Christ in a much better way.) Anyway, so I'm reading this book and one of the sentences read this:

"Jesus didn't die only to save us from hell; He also died to save us from our bondage to sin."

I know that such an elementary concept but I feel like a lot of people--myself included--forget this. We know that Jesus died to save us from Hell. Duh. Lots of people understand that. But we forget the second half--he wants to save us from our bondage to sin. God doesn't want us to go through life being trampled by the weight of our guilt and shame. He doesn't want us to grow weary from the constant battle of trying to do right, and failing miserably. He doesn't want us to live our lives ashamed and broken. He promises us life, abundant life (John 10:10). Suffering is a reality on this earth, but it isn't the end all. Christ wants to give us PEACE here on this earth, too. We just have to let Him in. We have to listen. We have to pursue Him and let go of our feeble control.

"The answer lies in letting Him change you."

A New Beginning

It is incredible how much your life can change in just a few short weeks. One second your life is perfectly planned out, in a nice, neat cookie-cutter image. The next second, your future is a big white blurr. I am excited, do not get me wrong. The Lord has moved in me in ways that I haven't experienced in years. I am both excited and terrified. A wide-open future is enticing and exhilarating at times. But it is also extremely scary to step out in the unknown. Stepping out into the unknown takes a whole lot of trust and faith. Trust that the Lord is beside you, every step of the way. And faith that He is leading you in the direction. I am more ready now, then ever before, to accept the Lord's provision in my life. I am about to be in a transition point, here in a few short months. I have no idea where I will be come May, June, or July. I could be literally, anywhere. Man, does Jesus have a sense of humor or what? He just lets me think I have control, then when I need it most, He puts me in my place. And I am SO thankful. SO grateful for that! I am so overwhelmed at His faithfulness. I am in awe of His unconditional love. I would not choose to be anywhere else but then where I am at right now--in the pain, struggle, and fear.

I owe it all to Him and my prayer is that He will take this life and use it to further His kingdom. I want my life to be for His glory. Woe is me!

A heart full

Thank you Jesus for.....

-High school friends that I still love to be around and can catch up with as if NO time has passed.

-Two weeks of no work before I start my new job.

-My front porch swing :) (Well, technically it isn't mine, but its all good)

-Snow cones in the summer

-Tan lines

-Fruity wine

-Movies in the Park

-Free time to read my little heart out

Rest in peace

"CRACK."

Went the poor little turtle that we ran over today :(

Rest

I have been done with school for a week now and I could not be more happy. With this break, I find myself with time. Time for sleep, lots of reflection, reading, and just relaxing. I used to write poetry all the time in high school and I found myself inspired the other day. I have decided to share it with you all, something I don't normally do but I thought I would, so enjoy.

     I remember moments of bliss. 

Moments where you were all I wanted and needed. You were the only thing in sight, and I was happy. 

But those moments have withered and fallen, like autumn leaves.

 And now I feel barren, 

                                                                             empty, 

naked. 

I reach out, in many different directions, searching. Wanting. Hoping. I long to be found. To be touched. To be desired. 

I feel light, I see rays peaking through the thick, billowing clouds. 

But one quick glance at my shriveled soul, and I am searching again. 

The sky rumbles, as icy cold drops begin to fall, 

slip, 

        slosh, 

                   and slide down my back. 

I wait patiently for a break, a peace, silence. But these rain drops keep on falling…

    

A post worth reading

     Grace. Something I hope to never take for granted. Something I rely upon these days. Something so beautiful and perfect, it cannot be of this world. Unrelenting forgiveness. Unconditional and unrestricted acceptance. Who could fathom such a thing, much less offer it? No one in this world, I assure you.

 

I am so conditional. So judgmental. So restricted in the way that I love, befriend, encourage, support. Everything I do is for some sort of selfish gain. The only “selfless” part of me is the Christ in me. I love to be loved in return. I help to be helped. I encourage to build up my own self-satisfaction. I am so absorbed in self that I couldn’t imagine doing something that had no benefit in return.

    

This brings me back to Christ. What is in it for him, to forgive? What good is it to him, to continuously offer grace and acceptance? Why would he do something, over and over again without growing weary or tired? Sure, I could forgive someone once, maybe twice for the same thing. But three, four, five times? You better believe I have already cut ties, erased memories, and warned everyone in my vicinity to put up their guard. That is just who I am—very unlike Christ.

 

But to Christ, it is only once. Once he offers this blanket of forigiveness, he forgets those things. I assure you, "As far as the east is form the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12). Sounds to good to be true. And it is. But that is just the nature of Christ. He IS too good to be true in our feeble little minds. We are of this world and think through the clouded lenses of this world. Of course we aren't going to understand it. We weren't meant to wrap our minds neatly around Christ. He is infinite and omniscient. We are temporary and limited in this life. 

Which is why we need Christ. We weren't meant to have everything together. We weren't meant to be perfect. We were meant to be human--sinful, wretched humans (because of the fall of man). It is through the realization of our brokenness and limitations that we see the need for Christ. When we come to accept that we will never get it right this side of earth, we can finally say "Yes, Lord. I need you." I need your love, protection, salvation. But most importantly, I need your grace. 

Your grace is enough. 

Exciting news

Just wanted to take a second and update the ol' blog on some pretty fun news!

1. KRIS ALLEN is in the TOP 3 (As if you didn't already know) and is coming to CONWAY to do his hometown performance!! AHhh so fun. I will DEFINITELY be in the crowd. You should look for me, because I mean, there won't be a bazillion people there or anything. 

2. I got the job!!!! I am a officially a VALOR --VA learning Opportunity Resident. What the h is that, you ask? Basically, I get paid a pretty penny to follow around a nurse all summer. I will be learning sooo much and seeing lots of cool things. Super excited. Praise Jesus! The process was pretty competitive but I guess I made a nice impression, or am just really blessed ;)

3. I am all moved in!! No more apartment. No more residential housing. No more annoying neighbors. Hello wonderful house! Hello cute little room of my OWN! Hello fire pit, porch swing, double tire swings, blackberry bush, and PRECIOUS roommates. Hello SUMMER :) There will most def be pictures to follow. My room is a mess and a half right now so it will take me a day or two to get settled in. 

4. The last good news: ONE FINAL TIL SUMMER. and my senior year of college. 

 

So close

Summer is so close, I can taste it! Ahhh. 

What have I been doing the last few days?

-Painting. Priming. Spackling. (Who knew I could do such things??)

-NOT studying for my finals

-Getting my new room/house ready so I can move in ASAP!!! So excited.

-Job interviewing

-Packing, packing, and more packing!

-Applying for grad school, eeek! (Just one class for this next semester though, shouldn't be too tough!)

-Getting ready to be a senior nursing student, umm wow. Time has flown!! I have one year left before I officially grown. Weird. 

Wow

So, I'm sure many of you have heard me tell this story (because it is so freaking crazy), but I think it's blogworthy and felt compelled to post it. 

True Story.

     So, I was in my cousin's wedding this weekend (she was absolutely gorgeous btw!) in Missouri. It was so fun being there and being able to be a part of her big day. I don't get to spend enough time with her!! Anywho, so the ceremony goes great, I'm sobbing of course, attempting to cry "pretty" (we all know that never works in real life). During the reception though, is when the craziness happens. The reception was a sit down dinner and the wedding party was seated on a table on stage. Well, everyone else was below at round tables staggered throughout the auditorium. 

I walked out of the room for a minute, and as I was walking back in, I noticed a commotion at one of the round tables. I walk closer, and hear Tim, the groomm yell "She's choking! Somebody help!!" Then I hear someone yell "Call 911." So I rush over, and somehow end up being the one to give her the hiemlich. So here I am, in the middle of the auditorium, in my bridesmaid dress, pumping this lady's stomach!!! She was taller and bigger than me, but apparently I had lifted this lady off of the ground several times! I do'nt really remember much. Praise Jesus for giving me the strength and courage to do that.  I really don't know how long I was doing the heimlich, and I don't remember much after that. I just now that she was okay and could breathe again. She had choked on a piece of bread, of all things! It was definitely one crazy experience. I have taken CPR courses for years but I never expected to do these things in real life. 

    After everythign was over, I just immediately started bawling. It was kind of comical. I had no idea why I was crying. It was just like a flood of emotions all at once. I mean, I was abosolutely terrified she wouldn't stop choking and then I would have to do CPR or something. So I think it was a huge relief, too, when it was all over. Unfortunately, I was spent after this occurance and spent the rest of the night icing my arm haha. Apparently lifting someone twice your size can hurt your wimpy arm muscles ;)

Ps. Sorry for the typos, my spellcheck is not working. Ooops.

All in a day

Yes that just happened.

1. On Sunday, I woke up and felt the urge to go for a run. So, I threw on my tennies and headed to the local trail. I'm running along minding my own business, pretending to be really in shape, when I see some huge creature out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look, and behold, THREE HUGE deer run, rather frolick, in front of my path. Now, the trail I'm on is not in the middle of the countryside. It's paved and located off of a main street. What are three deer doing on a running trail?! More importantly, why wasn't anyone near me to laugh histarically with me?!! I turn to look and there is not a soul in sight. Rats. I was kind of freaked out at one point, because after they crossed my path, they realized I was a human, got freaked out themselves, and re-crossed my path. I was ready to jump in the nearest tree if that were the case. 

     

     This story reminds me of the time Katy and I were driving around my old neighborhood in highschool. I think I had just turned 16 and was obsessed with driving at that point because we were just tootling around the neighborhood for no real reason. We decided it'd be fun to check out the round-a-bout that is conveinietly located in the next neighborhood over. Better yet, we decided to ride around the roud-a-bout like ten times in a row. As we were completing our fourth or fifth round, out of NOWHERE, and I mean NOWHERE a stampeded of deer darts out in front of my car. I am forced to slam on the breaks and we (well actually just me, because Katy screamed and ducked in the floorboard) watch as like 12 deer shoot in front of my car. I barely missed those suckers. It was probably one of the funniest moments in my life. I mean, Katy and I just sat there laughing for a good ten minutes after. She thought it was a fox coming through the windshield. I had no idea what I thought it was. It was freaky. And hillarious. 

2. The other day, while picking up some groceries at the store, I asked to set some of the bags on the counter for a second. I then proceded to say, "Sorry, I just don't have enough hands!!" I then realize, to my horror, that the lady behing the counter has only one hand. Seriously?! Really? Man. I felt super awkward. I did what I do best, just giggled and smiled and walked away. I hope she had a good humor about it. I didn't stay around long enough to find out. 

Another one? Really?

     It is 5:38 pm ladies and gentleman and I am in my pajamas. Is that bad?! Oops. I have been running around like a mad man today and just got home like not even ten minutes ago. I came in, dropped my bags, threw on my pj's, and sat down to chilax on the couch. My life has been super crazy these past two weeks, I hardly have time to even sit! I'm doing that now thank you very much! Praise Jesus that I made a good grade on my test today, I could hardly focus to study yesterday. It's nearing the end of the semester and that just seems to always come with busyness and stress. Lots of tests, lots of projects, papers....But summer is near. Hallelujah. 

    

On another note, I found out today that the Duggar's Kid that just got married, ya the one who is probably barely legal and has a 6 month old sister, is PREGNANT. Well his wife is. Sheesh. They just tied the knot in September, baby coming in October. Please do not let that happen to me. I want to be married for a good 3 years (MINIMUM) before I start popping out children. I gotta have some quality time with the hubs, travel, and do couply things!! But, that is their prerogative (and lack of birth). Find the story here. I just thought it was pretty crazy, but we should expect nothing less from the Duggars. I mean, they have like enough children to make up a small country. 

But hey, they are probably making more money than we could dream of. Maybe I should pop out 18 kids.... 

Repeat

On repeat.

That is what my life seems to be stuck on right now. I feel like I am running in circles. Class, study, bed. Class, study, bed. Class, study,........You get the point. I am ready for a change of pace, some new scenery. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and blessed for the life I have, but I just need to work on some contentment issues I suppose. I say all of this, then at the same time I'm thinking "I don't want change!" I'm as fickle as a pickle.

      I am ready to graduate, but then I get apprehensive about what is next. I want to be married but then I am so satisfied with having freedom and space and focusing on friends. I want to go to grad school and get my masters,  yet I don't want to have anything to do with school after I graduate. I want to work in the PICU, but then I really love the NICU as well. I have no idea what I really want. I guess it's a good thing I don't make the plans! I'd be doing like a million things at once and feeling like I should be doing something else. I don't want to live my life waiting to be happy, thinking "If I just do this....then I will be happy." I want to learn to be joyful where I am at in life and pouring into/learning from the people who are alongside me. 

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

It's about time for me to relinquish my "control" and start to trust. Lord, take my life and do with it as you please. I have all of these ideas in my head, but you are the one who really knows what is best. You know exactly what you want to accomplish with my feeble little life. Let your will, not mine, be done. 

 I'm sorry this is the most pointless blog I've written, but it's like 1230 am and I didn't want to climb into bed quite yet. So, I started blogging. I think my brain is one big mess right now. I shouldn't be allowed to blog past 10:00 pm.