The Summer of Sadness

Summers are supposed to be fun, carefree, adventurous, relaxing, and so forth. Summers should be spent poolside or at least accompanied with a band of friends. My summer has been nothing of the sort. Sure, it's had it's fun moments, but the overall feeling I get when I think about my summer is sadness. Deep, penetrating sadness. The kind of sadness that makes the heart ache, longing for a resolution or release.
The beginning of my summer started with a bang, a horrible and wretched bang. I lost a beautiful and precious friend. She was such a beacon of joy and life! Her name was Kali, and I've been friends with her since middle school. We played soccer together for at least six years and hung out in the same group of friends in High school. We grew apart at college, but I still cared for her deeply and we would catch up whenever our paths would cross. It was always a trip talking to Kali! Her life kept us all on our toes, just waiting to see what she would do next! I can still hear her boisterous laugh ringing in my ears. It wasn't one of those pretty, quiet laughs. It was a body shaking, head titling laugh that bellowed from deep within. Kali could light up a room in an instant, and she turned heads wherever she went. She was a blonde bombshell. Man, I miss her! I'm so thankful that I got to see her shortly before her death. We were able to catch up and exchange stories. She told me about how she was excited to be in Conway and live in a house with a bunch of friends from work. I told her how excited I was to be able to be closer to each other. Little did I know, that was the last I would see of precious Kali.
Kali's death shook a lot of lives, broke a ton of hearts, produced a river of tears. It shouldn't have happened. It's not fair at all. It kills me to think of how much pain and agony her father and mother must be in or the emptiness her best friends must feel.
Kali's loss is not the only cause of my sadness this summer. I am constantly surrounded by it at work. I work as a Tech in the Pediatric ICU, a place that is full of pain and tears. Children should never have to suffer the things that I've seen them suffer, undergo the circumstances I've seen. A child's death brings a different kind of sadness and a different kind of pain. Not only do their parents/siblings/friends mourn the loss of that person in their life, but they also mourn the life the child was never able to have. They mourn for future that was so horribly taken from them. They mourn for the memories they never got to share. Everyday in the PICU brings a new situation, a new broken family. I've seen children come and go, in all kinds of conditions. Some walk away unscathed, while others never recover. Sometimes I wonder why I chose this occupation, why I want to subject myself to such raw and brutal sadness. Really and truly, I didn't choose this job, it just sort of fell into my lap. The position opened and I applied, blind to the pain and awful situations that came with it. I believe that this job fell into place for a reason, a reason unknown to me. I have faith that God has me here for a reason.
For starters, it's given me a heck of lot to pray for! One baby comes to mind specifically. A 3 year old that came in shortly after I started work who had been accidentally backed over by his father. This 3 year old was in awful, awful shape. His entire body was bruised and battered, his eyes swollen shut. He should not have made it. But, nonetheless, he is alive. He left the ICU after about a month and is now on the rehab floor. He is not out of the water by any means, but he is alive. He will have to undergo extensive therapy and his brain may never fully heal. He could be blind for the rest of his life. At this point, its just a waiting game. I have spent a lot of time praying for this baby and his family and I continue to do so whenever I think about him.
Maybe Christ wants me to be a light in such a dark place. Maybe God wants to show me how broken our world really is (I think I'm starting to get the picture!) Maybe he wants me there just to simply comfort those people--to transmit his love and grace. I have no idea, but I do know that without Him, this sadness could overwhelm me. I have to keep remembering that the baby's that don't make it, are so much better off! I have to keep reminding myself that God has a perfect plan and he uses these terrible situations to turn them towards His glory. And that in and of itself is an amazing accomplishment!