When I was growing up, grace was not something that I understood or really saw modeled for me a whole lot. Thus, whenever I did something wrong, I could expect punishment and correction. I could guarantee that if I stepped out of line, I was going to get something for it. Thus, you can see how this concept is easily transfered over to how I view my Heavenly Father. (I know I've talked about this countless times in my blog, but my perception of Christ is the most important part of my life, and so a lot of my struggles stem from that relationship.) So, I get the whole idea of punishment, judgement, correction, etc. But it would be foolish and blasphemy to the name of Christ if I stayed in that mindset. That's not who Christ is. There is so much more to Him, so much love and GRACE. Holy cow. Grace. What a beautiful thing! I just wish that I could believe in that grace all the time!
This past few weeks have been tough for me. They've been tough because the Lord has been stripping some things from my life. Of course, I am quick to assume that it's because I am making poor decisions. I blame myself and feel like "Yep, this is what I get!" But, at the same time, the Lord is tugging at my heart. And I am being brutally honest with Him. I've cried out to Him, telling Him that I feel like all He ever does is punish me. I told Him that I know He's not just out to get me, but that I am having a hard time understanding and feeling His love and grace. So, I asked Him to allow me to feel that love and grace. Emotions are not the most important part of my relationship with Christ, but it is crucial, I think, to feel that love every now and then. So, anyways, the Lord is showing up big time in my life. And I am loving every minute of it. He is working on my mindset and perception of Him--and breaking down those walls. They are still up, I'm not saying that I am completely healed, but I know that Christ is not going to let me stay this way. He loves me too much!
So, here are a few verses He showed me this past week that have meant a lot, and the last one is a verse that is so dear to my heart. That last verse the Lord brought to me at such a critical time in my life, and I read it quite often. The Lord is good.
"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities"
"...so far as the East is from the West, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:10
"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea." Psalm 102:17
"He tends to His flock like Shepards; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11
"Gently leads" is a phrase that stuck out to me. I have a hard time seeing that sensitive side of Christ, the side that wants to gently lead me, love me, hold me when I'm crying. Instead of running to the comfort and solitude of my room, in the corner where no one could see me--the Lord wants me to run to Him. He wants me to run into His arms, and be held. That is such a foreign concept to me, but one the Lord is continuing to reveal to me.
In closing, i think it's important to realize our brokenness. It is important to realize that yes, your sins do deserve punishment. In fact, our sins deserve death. BUT that's not how Christ wants us to live. Because of His son's death on the cross, we have the freedom to live a life unbound to those sins. And that doesn't just mean that we can go Heaven. Christ's death also means that we can have freedom this side of Heaven--we can have freedom in our mindsets, freedom in our hearts, freedom in our relationships. Christ wants to feel undeserved but at the same time, feel the weight of His grace. He wants us to rise up and lead lives that are humble, but powerful. Because anything that we do, say, hear, think, feel--is a gift. A gift that should be USED, not holed up inside the corners of your room.
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