I remember moments of bliss.
Moments where you were all I wanted and needed. You were the only thing in sight, and I was happy.
But those moments have withered and fallen, like autumn leaves.
And now I feel barren,
empty,
naked.
I reach out, in many different directions, searching. Wanting. Hoping. I long to be found. To be touched. To be desired.
I feel light, I see rays peaking through the thick, billowing clouds.
But one quick glance at my shriveled soul, and I am searching again.
The sky rumbles, as icy cold drops begin to fall,
slip,
slosh,
and slide down my back.
I wait patiently for a break, a peace, silence. But these rain drops keep on falling…
Grace. Something I hope to never take for granted. Something I rely upon these days. Something so beautiful and perfect, it cannot be of this world. Unrelenting forgiveness. Unconditional and unrestricted acceptance. Who could fathom such a thing, much less offer it? No one in this world, I assure you.
I am so conditional. So judgmental. So restricted in the way that I love, befriend, encourage, support. Everything I do is for some sort of selfish gain. The only “selfless” part of me is the Christ in me. I love to be loved in return. I help to be helped. I encourage to build up my own self-satisfaction. I am so absorbed in self that I couldn’t imagine doing something that had no benefit in return.
This brings me back to Christ. What is in it for him, to forgive? What good is it to him, to continuously offer grace and acceptance? Why would he do something, over and over again without growing weary or tired? Sure, I could forgive someone once, maybe twice for the same thing. But three, four, five times? You better believe I have already cut ties, erased memories, and warned everyone in my vicinity to put up their guard. That is just who I am—very unlike Christ.
But to Christ, it is only once. Once he offers this blanket of forigiveness, he forgets those things. I assure you, "As far as the east is form the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12). Sounds to good to be true. And it is. But that is just the nature of Christ. He IS too good to be true in our feeble little minds. We are of this world and think through the clouded lenses of this world. Of course we aren't going to understand it. We weren't meant to wrap our minds neatly around Christ. He is infinite and omniscient. We are temporary and limited in this life.
Which is why we need Christ. We weren't meant to have everything together. We weren't meant to be perfect. We were meant to be human--sinful, wretched humans (because of the fall of man). It is through the realization of our brokenness and limitations that we see the need for Christ. When we come to accept that we will never get it right this side of earth, we can finally say "Yes, Lord. I need you." I need your love, protection, salvation. But most importantly, I need your grace.
Your grace is enough.
