Frustration from Inspiration

*Could it be that our greatest inspiration, is often our the source of our greatest frustration?

I attended one session of the Dirt conference a few weeks ago, and this was a question that Neil Greathouse posed. I had trouble wrapping my mind around the question at first, but here I am--a few weeks later, understanding a little more of what he meant! Each of us are wired to have certain desires and passions--we are all geared for some sort of purpose. Some of us are more passionate about the elderly, the poor, the rich, the lost, the broken, etc. Some of us want to relocate in a foreign country and spend our lives pouring into those orphans, prisoners, mothers, etc. You get my point.

I don't know if you have experienced the true joy that comes from finding your 'niche' or passion, but when you find it, you definitely know. There is something inside of you that sparks, ignites. And you feel purposeful, you feel useful. Those moments are motivation for me. I long to experience that Divine joy that comes from doing God's will. It gets me excited about being here on this wretched earth. It lets me know that I am not just a waste of space!

Those moments have always come to me when I was working with people. I definitely know that is how I am wired--I am energized by being around people, by helping them, communicating with them, etc. I have felt most alive when building relationships that benefit others. Which is why I have always loved being in/leading small groups. It is a perfect place for me to fulfill my passion.

But, it is in relationships with people that I have been most frustrated in life. That inspiration can quickly become frustration. And I think it all has to do with where I place my hope. If my hope is in that relationship or in that person, I will quickly become disheartened and disappointed. The truth is, people will always fail you. In some way or another, the most beloved person in your life has let you down. Because of the fall of man, we can never love with a perfect love. Which brings me to my point that if I am receiving my fulfillment and motivation from that earthly relationship, I am going to end up being disappointed one way or another. It may not be immediate or it may not be entirely devastating, but it is definitely not going to give me that joy that comes from Christ. Now, I can better understand what Neil Greathouse meant.

In conclusion, you cannot put your hope in the passion or inspiration itself. Your fulfillment must come first from Christ. When you are fulfilled in Him, then you are able to fulfill your purpose here on earth. Which is no easy task. I think I will always have to find this balance and fight the tendency to place my hope in people.

My point of this is not to hate on humans or say that you shouldn't place any hope or expectations on them, my point is that your source and life should not be found in people. Because you will end up frustrated every single time. You will end up feeling rejected and alone, disheartened. Humans are capable of wonderful acts of love, especially when they are filled with Christ. But the moment you start to rely on them, that is the moment your greatest inspiration becomes your greatest frustration.

A groaning heart

This verse has been my water these past few months. I am in a territory that is new, foreign, and scary. But so beautiful. So worth it. So fulfilling. I am truly at a crossroads and my desire is to let Christ use my life as He sees fit--His perfect will. And I have NO idea how that is going to look :)

"In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness, We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hears knows the mind of the spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

I really have no idea what God's will for my life is. NO IDEA. But that's okay. I don't have to have it together and I don't have to know what to pray for, because the spirit intercedes with groans that I cannot express. Thank you, Jesus.

A Thought

Our job as Christians, or "Little Christs", is not to condemn, convict, or convince. Our job as "Little Christs" is to share glimpses of the kingdom. We are to show others what can come next!

What would Christianity look like, then, if that was everybody's goal? I don't think people would hate Christians as much as they do.

-Erika

Motivation from Love not Obligation

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of sermons/conversations about David and his journey on earth. There is a lot to be learned about David. He is a lot like us, but at the same time, he was highly regarded by Christ. The Lord's favor was on David, there is no doubt about it. Yet, we also know that David committed both adultery and murder. Umm, excuse me? A "man after God's own heart" that committed murder? Really? When I think of the worst action possible, murder is pretty high on that list. It makes you stop and think. And it makes you realize how much Christ loves us and how huge His grace is. He was able to forgive David for MURDER. Like literal murder. Like I just killed someone murder. Can you comprehend that? You must. Because its true. "Nothing you can do will separate you from the love of Christ." Do you really believe that? It's easy to recite that verse and to pretend to believe it. But do you really believe it? Do your actions prove that you believe in God's grace?

If so, I think you should feel completely overwhelmed, humbled, amazed. And I realize that its hard to "feel" things sometimes (after all, I understand what it's like to be completely numb), but when you truly grasp the picture of God's grace, it is really astounding. You should feel in-debt to Christ, but not guilty. You should feel like you owe Christ your life, but not be motivated by that debt. The LAST thing Christ wants us to do--in realizing the picture of His grace, is to be motivated by a feeling of obligation. He doesn't want us to do work for His kingdom, because that is what we are SUPPOSED to do.

Think about the times when you know someone has done something for you--maybe given you something or did something for you--because they felt like they had to. It doesn't feel very special, does it? Yes, you appreciate what they did for you, but at the same time, you kind of feel cheated. "Oh gee, thanks for inviting me to your party ten minutes before it started because you knew I found out about it!" That's like a slap in the face! You'd almost rather never have been invited in the first place, because then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Think about how Christ feels when we do things out of obligation. It sucks times a thousand.....We couldn't even comprehend the pain and disappointment.

Let's face it, we are pretty awful people. We deny Christ every single day. We choose other things over him, several times a day. We spend all our time, efforts, emotions on things of THIS world. God is lucky to even get a 15 minute block out of our day. Sure, not all of us are like this, and that's pretty stinking cool, but for must of us, if you stop and think about where all your efforts are going, its elsewhere. I don't mean to say this to make you dwell in your shortcomings, rather to show you much you need Christ and how much we don't deserve His gift. Realize your awfulness and then realize how AWESOME God is for loving you like that!

It's a hard balance to find: motivation by guilt and motivation by love. Trust me. I know. I spent the majority of my life--lets say up until I was about 19 years old (and sometimes have to fight it now)--acting out of fear and guilt. I spent time with Christ, went to church, led a small group, etc because I feared that Christ was going to take something away from me. I did things for His kingdom because I would spend hours feeling guilty if I did not. My heart was completely in the wrong place. Praise the Lord that I was able to realize that and break from that mindset. Yes, we owe Christ our life. Yes, we are dead without Him, but that doesn't mean that we are obligated to love Him. That's why you have the ability to RECEIVE the gift. You don't have to accept a gift. It can sit on your top shelf, unopened, collecting dust. Our hearts should act out of love and gratitude. We should feel so overwhelmed with love that we can't help but speak of His name! We can't help but burst forth with songs of praise because He is our maker and has rescued us from so much pain!

In the end, nothing that we could ever do would even come CLOSE to paying Christ back. So, don't even try! Instead, spend your time and energy loving Christ and loving His people. Spend your time learning as much as possible about Christ and let Him mold your heart. Listen to Him. Talk to Him.

I'll leave you with a pretty cool quote: "God loves you the way that you are, but he refuses to leave you that way."

God loves you in your sin, in your shortcomings, in your selfishness. He loves you, even when you have murdered someone. He just does. It's simple. BUT he refuses to let you remain that way. When you enter into His presence, God is LONGING to change us. He is overcome with excitement with what He wants to do with our life. We just have to let Him.

--Erika

Broken

I love when the Lord uses your own words to teach you something. It is such a humbling experience.

I spent the majority of the past two years begging God, pleading with Him to deliver me from my apathy. I spent countless nights in sorrow and anguish, praying for him to wake me up, to rock my world. All throughout my journal I find phrases like......

"I am exhausted. I am sick of feeling nothing. I'm tired of drifting through life, watching it slip through my fingers, paralyzed by lack of heart. I want so desperately to feel something, anything. Wake me up, O Lord, from this deep sleep. Rescue me from darkness."

"Shake me to my core, Rock my world. Breathe life into my lungs. Light a fire in my heart. Let my lips speak of you"

I was hurting. I was stuck. I was enslaved by numbness and apathy. I was searching for peace and life. It took me almost two years to come out of that darkness. And I still battle with it everyday and I'm sure I will continue to battle with it.

For the first time in my life, I am actually experiencing Christ. Sure, I had definite moments over the past two years where I felt His presence and I felt His peace. I learned a lot about Him and myself. But overall I was searching and wounded. I was enslaved by apathy.

The Lord began to show me some areas in my life that needed light. He began to show me pain and hurt that I never really knew existed. He began to show me that it's not about me getting things right, rather, it's Him working through me that is right. He shattered my perspective of Him--one that was tainted with broken images. I had to realize that no one on this earth will love me well. It sucked, but I had to come to that realization to fully accept my need for Christ. My earthly parents have failed me. My best friend has failed me, and will continue to. My husband, too, will fail me. I cannot and refuse to put my hope in people.

I had to learn to let go of my plans. My future is His to work with. I want to allow Him to lead me, wherever that is.

I had to learn that my life is really not my own. That is so cliche, and I know we hear that all the time, but it is so true to me right now. I can't help but be terrified of what my life would look like if I lived just by what made me feel happy. Because earthly happiness is fleeting. It disappears as soon as it comes over us. I do not want to realize this on my death bed. I don't want to end up, 80 years old, wondering what impact I made on this earth. I want to be sure, and confident that I made a difference. That the Lord didn't waste His time on me. At the end of my life, I want to know that it was worth it. That my life wasn't found in things or people, but that it was found in His love and glory.

This is what freedom in Christ is really all about. Freedom from the bondage of failed expectations and false hope. Everything on this earth is TEMPORARY. No matter how constant and solid it may feel, it's not. That flashy new toy will soon be covered in dust at the top of your closet.

I cannot express how grateful and thankful I am for healing and rest. I cannot put into words how indebted I am to Christ for delivering me and rescuing me. But at the same time, I never want to forget where I came from. I never want to forget that time of darkness, because it makes me appreciate the life. I don't want to take for granted the life that the Lord has put into my heart, because for years I was miserable and conflicted.

And I am not, by ANY means, put together. I am still broken. I am still going to be hurt and experience pain. But I am okay with that. I have a new peace and rest in my heart that comes from Christ.

I found this sentence in my journal, which is really what sparked this whole saga so I will leave you with it:

"Just remember, the same God that makes the rough days, makes the good ones. He hasn't forsaken you and He gave you that rough day for a reason."

Praise God for brokenness.

New Perspective

I'm starting to "get it" a little bit more each day. I'm starting to understand a little bit more each day what my purpose here on this earth is. No, I will never fully understand. But each day, the Lord unravels a new piece of the puzzle.

I've been reading the book Crazy Love (Yes I know it's all the rage these days, but it really is a perspective-shattering book. Challenges you to live life in a much different way and to look at our relationship with Christ in a much better way.) Anyway, so I'm reading this book and one of the sentences read this:

"Jesus didn't die only to save us from hell; He also died to save us from our bondage to sin."

I know that such an elementary concept but I feel like a lot of people--myself included--forget this. We know that Jesus died to save us from Hell. Duh. Lots of people understand that. But we forget the second half--he wants to save us from our bondage to sin. God doesn't want us to go through life being trampled by the weight of our guilt and shame. He doesn't want us to grow weary from the constant battle of trying to do right, and failing miserably. He doesn't want us to live our lives ashamed and broken. He promises us life, abundant life (John 10:10). Suffering is a reality on this earth, but it isn't the end all. Christ wants to give us PEACE here on this earth, too. We just have to let Him in. We have to listen. We have to pursue Him and let go of our feeble control.

"The answer lies in letting Him change you."

A New Beginning

It is incredible how much your life can change in just a few short weeks. One second your life is perfectly planned out, in a nice, neat cookie-cutter image. The next second, your future is a big white blurr. I am excited, do not get me wrong. The Lord has moved in me in ways that I haven't experienced in years. I am both excited and terrified. A wide-open future is enticing and exhilarating at times. But it is also extremely scary to step out in the unknown. Stepping out into the unknown takes a whole lot of trust and faith. Trust that the Lord is beside you, every step of the way. And faith that He is leading you in the direction. I am more ready now, then ever before, to accept the Lord's provision in my life. I am about to be in a transition point, here in a few short months. I have no idea where I will be come May, June, or July. I could be literally, anywhere. Man, does Jesus have a sense of humor or what? He just lets me think I have control, then when I need it most, He puts me in my place. And I am SO thankful. SO grateful for that! I am so overwhelmed at His faithfulness. I am in awe of His unconditional love. I would not choose to be anywhere else but then where I am at right now--in the pain, struggle, and fear.

I owe it all to Him and my prayer is that He will take this life and use it to further His kingdom. I want my life to be for His glory. Woe is me!

A heart full

Thank you Jesus for.....

-High school friends that I still love to be around and can catch up with as if NO time has passed.

-Two weeks of no work before I start my new job.

-My front porch swing :) (Well, technically it isn't mine, but its all good)

-Snow cones in the summer

-Tan lines

-Fruity wine

-Movies in the Park

-Free time to read my little heart out

Rest in peace

"CRACK."

Went the poor little turtle that we ran over today :(

Rest

I have been done with school for a week now and I could not be more happy. With this break, I find myself with time. Time for sleep, lots of reflection, reading, and just relaxing. I used to write poetry all the time in high school and I found myself inspired the other day. I have decided to share it with you all, something I don't normally do but I thought I would, so enjoy.

     I remember moments of bliss. 

Moments where you were all I wanted and needed. You were the only thing in sight, and I was happy. 

But those moments have withered and fallen, like autumn leaves.

 And now I feel barren, 

                                                                             empty, 

naked. 

I reach out, in many different directions, searching. Wanting. Hoping. I long to be found. To be touched. To be desired. 

I feel light, I see rays peaking through the thick, billowing clouds. 

But one quick glance at my shriveled soul, and I am searching again. 

The sky rumbles, as icy cold drops begin to fall, 

slip, 

        slosh, 

                   and slide down my back. 

I wait patiently for a break, a peace, silence. But these rain drops keep on falling…

    

A post worth reading

     Grace. Something I hope to never take for granted. Something I rely upon these days. Something so beautiful and perfect, it cannot be of this world. Unrelenting forgiveness. Unconditional and unrestricted acceptance. Who could fathom such a thing, much less offer it? No one in this world, I assure you.

 

I am so conditional. So judgmental. So restricted in the way that I love, befriend, encourage, support. Everything I do is for some sort of selfish gain. The only “selfless” part of me is the Christ in me. I love to be loved in return. I help to be helped. I encourage to build up my own self-satisfaction. I am so absorbed in self that I couldn’t imagine doing something that had no benefit in return.

    

This brings me back to Christ. What is in it for him, to forgive? What good is it to him, to continuously offer grace and acceptance? Why would he do something, over and over again without growing weary or tired? Sure, I could forgive someone once, maybe twice for the same thing. But three, four, five times? You better believe I have already cut ties, erased memories, and warned everyone in my vicinity to put up their guard. That is just who I am—very unlike Christ.

 

But to Christ, it is only once. Once he offers this blanket of forigiveness, he forgets those things. I assure you, "As far as the east is form the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12). Sounds to good to be true. And it is. But that is just the nature of Christ. He IS too good to be true in our feeble little minds. We are of this world and think through the clouded lenses of this world. Of course we aren't going to understand it. We weren't meant to wrap our minds neatly around Christ. He is infinite and omniscient. We are temporary and limited in this life. 

Which is why we need Christ. We weren't meant to have everything together. We weren't meant to be perfect. We were meant to be human--sinful, wretched humans (because of the fall of man). It is through the realization of our brokenness and limitations that we see the need for Christ. When we come to accept that we will never get it right this side of earth, we can finally say "Yes, Lord. I need you." I need your love, protection, salvation. But most importantly, I need your grace. 

Your grace is enough. 

Exciting news

Just wanted to take a second and update the ol' blog on some pretty fun news!

1. KRIS ALLEN is in the TOP 3 (As if you didn't already know) and is coming to CONWAY to do his hometown performance!! AHhh so fun. I will DEFINITELY be in the crowd. You should look for me, because I mean, there won't be a bazillion people there or anything. 

2. I got the job!!!! I am a officially a VALOR --VA learning Opportunity Resident. What the h is that, you ask? Basically, I get paid a pretty penny to follow around a nurse all summer. I will be learning sooo much and seeing lots of cool things. Super excited. Praise Jesus! The process was pretty competitive but I guess I made a nice impression, or am just really blessed ;)

3. I am all moved in!! No more apartment. No more residential housing. No more annoying neighbors. Hello wonderful house! Hello cute little room of my OWN! Hello fire pit, porch swing, double tire swings, blackberry bush, and PRECIOUS roommates. Hello SUMMER :) There will most def be pictures to follow. My room is a mess and a half right now so it will take me a day or two to get settled in. 

4. The last good news: ONE FINAL TIL SUMMER. and my senior year of college. 

 

So close

Summer is so close, I can taste it! Ahhh. 

What have I been doing the last few days?

-Painting. Priming. Spackling. (Who knew I could do such things??)

-NOT studying for my finals

-Getting my new room/house ready so I can move in ASAP!!! So excited.

-Job interviewing

-Packing, packing, and more packing!

-Applying for grad school, eeek! (Just one class for this next semester though, shouldn't be too tough!)

-Getting ready to be a senior nursing student, umm wow. Time has flown!! I have one year left before I officially grown. Weird. 

Wow

So, I'm sure many of you have heard me tell this story (because it is so freaking crazy), but I think it's blogworthy and felt compelled to post it. 

True Story.

     So, I was in my cousin's wedding this weekend (she was absolutely gorgeous btw!) in Missouri. It was so fun being there and being able to be a part of her big day. I don't get to spend enough time with her!! Anywho, so the ceremony goes great, I'm sobbing of course, attempting to cry "pretty" (we all know that never works in real life). During the reception though, is when the craziness happens. The reception was a sit down dinner and the wedding party was seated on a table on stage. Well, everyone else was below at round tables staggered throughout the auditorium. 

I walked out of the room for a minute, and as I was walking back in, I noticed a commotion at one of the round tables. I walk closer, and hear Tim, the groomm yell "She's choking! Somebody help!!" Then I hear someone yell "Call 911." So I rush over, and somehow end up being the one to give her the hiemlich. So here I am, in the middle of the auditorium, in my bridesmaid dress, pumping this lady's stomach!!! She was taller and bigger than me, but apparently I had lifted this lady off of the ground several times! I do'nt really remember much. Praise Jesus for giving me the strength and courage to do that.  I really don't know how long I was doing the heimlich, and I don't remember much after that. I just now that she was okay and could breathe again. She had choked on a piece of bread, of all things! It was definitely one crazy experience. I have taken CPR courses for years but I never expected to do these things in real life. 

    After everythign was over, I just immediately started bawling. It was kind of comical. I had no idea why I was crying. It was just like a flood of emotions all at once. I mean, I was abosolutely terrified she wouldn't stop choking and then I would have to do CPR or something. So I think it was a huge relief, too, when it was all over. Unfortunately, I was spent after this occurance and spent the rest of the night icing my arm haha. Apparently lifting someone twice your size can hurt your wimpy arm muscles ;)

Ps. Sorry for the typos, my spellcheck is not working. Ooops.

All in a day

Yes that just happened.

1. On Sunday, I woke up and felt the urge to go for a run. So, I threw on my tennies and headed to the local trail. I'm running along minding my own business, pretending to be really in shape, when I see some huge creature out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look, and behold, THREE HUGE deer run, rather frolick, in front of my path. Now, the trail I'm on is not in the middle of the countryside. It's paved and located off of a main street. What are three deer doing on a running trail?! More importantly, why wasn't anyone near me to laugh histarically with me?!! I turn to look and there is not a soul in sight. Rats. I was kind of freaked out at one point, because after they crossed my path, they realized I was a human, got freaked out themselves, and re-crossed my path. I was ready to jump in the nearest tree if that were the case. 

     

     This story reminds me of the time Katy and I were driving around my old neighborhood in highschool. I think I had just turned 16 and was obsessed with driving at that point because we were just tootling around the neighborhood for no real reason. We decided it'd be fun to check out the round-a-bout that is conveinietly located in the next neighborhood over. Better yet, we decided to ride around the roud-a-bout like ten times in a row. As we were completing our fourth or fifth round, out of NOWHERE, and I mean NOWHERE a stampeded of deer darts out in front of my car. I am forced to slam on the breaks and we (well actually just me, because Katy screamed and ducked in the floorboard) watch as like 12 deer shoot in front of my car. I barely missed those suckers. It was probably one of the funniest moments in my life. I mean, Katy and I just sat there laughing for a good ten minutes after. She thought it was a fox coming through the windshield. I had no idea what I thought it was. It was freaky. And hillarious. 

2. The other day, while picking up some groceries at the store, I asked to set some of the bags on the counter for a second. I then proceded to say, "Sorry, I just don't have enough hands!!" I then realize, to my horror, that the lady behing the counter has only one hand. Seriously?! Really? Man. I felt super awkward. I did what I do best, just giggled and smiled and walked away. I hope she had a good humor about it. I didn't stay around long enough to find out. 

Another one? Really?

     It is 5:38 pm ladies and gentleman and I am in my pajamas. Is that bad?! Oops. I have been running around like a mad man today and just got home like not even ten minutes ago. I came in, dropped my bags, threw on my pj's, and sat down to chilax on the couch. My life has been super crazy these past two weeks, I hardly have time to even sit! I'm doing that now thank you very much! Praise Jesus that I made a good grade on my test today, I could hardly focus to study yesterday. It's nearing the end of the semester and that just seems to always come with busyness and stress. Lots of tests, lots of projects, papers....But summer is near. Hallelujah. 

    

On another note, I found out today that the Duggar's Kid that just got married, ya the one who is probably barely legal and has a 6 month old sister, is PREGNANT. Well his wife is. Sheesh. They just tied the knot in September, baby coming in October. Please do not let that happen to me. I want to be married for a good 3 years (MINIMUM) before I start popping out children. I gotta have some quality time with the hubs, travel, and do couply things!! But, that is their prerogative (and lack of birth). Find the story here. I just thought it was pretty crazy, but we should expect nothing less from the Duggars. I mean, they have like enough children to make up a small country. 

But hey, they are probably making more money than we could dream of. Maybe I should pop out 18 kids.... 

Repeat

On repeat.

That is what my life seems to be stuck on right now. I feel like I am running in circles. Class, study, bed. Class, study, bed. Class, study,........You get the point. I am ready for a change of pace, some new scenery. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful and blessed for the life I have, but I just need to work on some contentment issues I suppose. I say all of this, then at the same time I'm thinking "I don't want change!" I'm as fickle as a pickle.

      I am ready to graduate, but then I get apprehensive about what is next. I want to be married but then I am so satisfied with having freedom and space and focusing on friends. I want to go to grad school and get my masters,  yet I don't want to have anything to do with school after I graduate. I want to work in the PICU, but then I really love the NICU as well. I have no idea what I really want. I guess it's a good thing I don't make the plans! I'd be doing like a million things at once and feeling like I should be doing something else. I don't want to live my life waiting to be happy, thinking "If I just do this....then I will be happy." I want to learn to be joyful where I am at in life and pouring into/learning from the people who are alongside me. 

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

It's about time for me to relinquish my "control" and start to trust. Lord, take my life and do with it as you please. I have all of these ideas in my head, but you are the one who really knows what is best. You know exactly what you want to accomplish with my feeble little life. Let your will, not mine, be done. 

 I'm sorry this is the most pointless blog I've written, but it's like 1230 am and I didn't want to climb into bed quite yet. So, I started blogging. I think my brain is one big mess right now. I shouldn't be allowed to blog past 10:00 pm. 

Free Stuff!!

Who doesn't love give-aways?! 

My blogger friend, goodgalsinc, is giving away a "Gear up for Summer" themed package!

It's adorable. You should follow and comment. And win free stuff.

Click Me!

Hello my name is Erika and I have an addiction...

Confession.

I am addicted to V-necks. I daily have to fight the urge to open up my bottom drawer, and just slip on that cottony-goodness. It's just so simple, looks great with jeans or comfy pants, and can be dressed up with the right over-sized cardigan 

and jewelry. What makes the situation even worse? I have started dying v-necks, so now I have a wonderful assortment of brightly-colored little joys. Yikes. I am never going to be able to resist now. People are going to start wondering if I own more than just cotton t-shirts. I even wear them to work. Oops. Anyone know of a good therapist? I might start having separation anxiety and attachment issues.                                        

I am not alone in my addiction. No. I believe many of us struggle with this. Just ask my roomie, Kate. 

Fascinating

I know all of my MILLION readers will be happy to see a new post :) JK jk but for anyone who is interested in my riveting life, I am finally making time to blog. Well, lets just say I'm pushing other non-important things (like homework and my laundry) aside to blog. Cue applause and excitement!!!

Ok, but for real.

Things that I love lately:

--TLC shows. Seriously, so interesting. Currently, "I didn't know I was pregnant" is on. These women are having 8ib babies in public bathrooms and in the woods and crap. How do you not know your pregnant? Really?! One woman had twins and didn't even know it. I mean, do you not notice something different?? No period in 9 months=not good. Weight gain in your lower belly region and weird movements=something might be in there??! I guess that is why there is a show about it, because it is so bizzare and extremely interesting. Next up on TLC ((my new fav channel)) is "Paralyzed and Pregnant" then "Woman with giant legs." Be warned, the actors on this show are r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s.

---Speaking of pregnancy and babies, I worked in the NICU on saturday and it was wonderful. I got to rock and bathe and feed little babies all day. You people are paying me to do this?! Okay fine. I won't object. They were so tiny and precious too.

---The idea of living in a house. I am sick of the noises that accompany apartment life. I think the people below us host a mini-rave on the weekends and late at night. On top of that, I don't really even know who lives there--i see people in and out all day long. Interesting. I'm also sick of the parking spot battles. I will be so spoiled when I can pull into a driveway and come and go as I please, not worried about having to trek across the atlantic to reach my apartment.

--Summer, of course. I get restless at this time of the year. I'm 30 days from freedom....ahhh. I have no idea where I will be working or living right now, I mean I have ideas but I don't really know what the summer holds yet. But nevertheless, I'm ready for it to be here! I won't know what to do with myself...

--Reading blogs. I love them. I follow many. Most of the blogs I read, I really have no idea who the person is. Two of the blogs I read are about babies who are sick, like Baby Stellan and Baby Jonah, both of which need lots of prayer!! But mostly, I just love blogs because it allows you to keep up with people that you live far from!! Facebook is lovely and all, but blogs are just so much more personal and intriguing.

--This past Friday I got to dress up in some awesome 80's gear for Klife's 5K which was so fun. I will take any excuse to rock a side pony and hot pink lipstick. Here's a few pics from the night.

Hilarious,

Watch and enjoy.

This is a little boy I babysat for a couple of afternoons. He is just so stinkin' hilarious and adorable. Here he is singing and being silly for the camera. 

Broken

     My heart is heavy tonight. After a long (and amazing) conversation with Adam, I am just so much more aware of how prevalent broken relationships are. Marriages and relationships (friend and romantic) are definitely one of Satan's biggest targets. I really believe this. Just look at the divorce rate for America. Outstanding. Ridiculous. But so, so painful. My art aches for the relationships I see around me that are just broken. Plain and simple. They are lacking. I want so badly to "fix" the problems, but I can't. I can only pray and believe that Christ will heal them. More specifically, for healing for those two halves of the relationship. Broken people make broken relationships. It is only through Christ that relationships can be made whole. 

     But what does that even look like? What does it mean for Christ to live in our relationships? What does it mean to let Christ "heal" us? I know it starts with an open heart and A LOT of prayer. It has to be fueled by hope and belief that Christ will prevail. I know it takes determination and a heck of lot of perseverance. It takes the realization that we are broken, and acknowledging that the only hope comes from Christ. It teaks us releasing control over what we want our relationship to look like and allowing Him to lead. Wow. What a huge step!! I struggle with this everyday!! Letting him lead. I can only wonder how frustrated He gets with me each day!! Often, I don't even THINK about who is guiding my steps, I just do it. I am a hot mess, Jesus!!! Most importantly, it takes us stopping and listening for His will. The Lord often speaks in a gentle whisper. A whisper that gets easily overpowered by our daily lives. 

    Sorry if this post seems jumbled, it's just what is on my heart at the present moment. This fact has tugged at my heart strings for quite some time!! I wish so badly for relationships to be perfect and whole and complete this side of Heaven. But at least it's something we have to look forward too. God promises our bodies will be whole and complete, and I personally believe that relationships are not exempt from this fact!! I have faith that they will be "revamped" as well!! Praise the Lord!! 

Tips to eating healthier--little tricks I have learned over the years (Mainly from my wonderful roomie Katy) If you don't care about eating healthier, then read no further! Haha this will bore you to tears. 

-First off, it's easy to confuse hunger with thirst. You might think you are hungry for a snack, when in reality, your body is craving water (ANY form of water) so you might feel hungry when you just need a nice glass of water! 

-Snack on high protein and high fiber foods (nuts are a great way to pack on the protein and have a low calorie value to them!). Fiber and protein help you feel fuller longer so you won't snack as much or as often! Fruits and veggies are high fiber foods. Meat, oats, whole grains, milk--these things have fiber and protein as well. 

-Try to eat more frequent, smaller meals instead of three huge ones (If you are in nursing school, you are cracking up at this one--we hear it for almost all diagnosis' but it is so helpful!) Larger meals are harder to digest, they often make you feel sleepy afterwards [because of stimulation from the peripheral nervous system (this "chills" out your body and prepares it for digestion and is stimulated by a full stomach)]. When you eat more frequently, it keeps your metabolism stimulated and you don't feel famished whenever its time for the next meal (which makes you overeat!). It also keeps your blood sugars at a steady level and you avoid the big rise and fall after a large meal. You can avoid that shaky, jittery feeling you sometimes get when your blood sugar drops.

-If you like to drink your calories, have a coke. Those babies pack in more than you think! A coke or mountain dew can sometimes have up to 54 grams of sugar....which is a lot. Try diet coke or coke zero if you need that caffeine, carbonation fix (I know I do!!!) or just drink water or propel or something of that sort. A coke every now and then is completely fine. But some people drink these all day long and don't think about how much is actually in those things because they consider it a drink and not food. But it can be equivalent to a piece of cake or a large cookie.  

-Read labels before you purchase things! I just recently read the back of a sausage egg and cheese biscuit (the frozen jimmy dean ones) and those things are awful! Like 600 calories and 50% of your daily allowed fat in one tiny sandwich! Yikes. You could eat like a bowl of cereal, piece of fruit, and piece of toast for that calorie count. And you would be much fuller and satisfied. 

-A good general rule of thumb to find how many calories you should eat in one meal is dividing your daily allowance by four (most people a 2000 calorie diet is sufficient if you are not super athletic). So that's 500 calories for each meal and a total of 500 calories for snacks. Or if your not a big snacker, eat 600 at each meal and have one 200 calorie snack before bed. If your like me and like to eat 5 small meals, just divide 2000 by 5 and you get 400 calories per mini meal.

 -I encourage you to check out your favorite restaurant's nutrition menu (fastfood and regular). You can do this by going online, or download the sweet application on the iphone called "restaurants." Just check out the calorie, fat, and carb count on that meal. IT is insane. I promise you will not believe some of the stuff we eat! Like for instance, a chicken finger basket at the Dairy Queen or Sonic is like 1500 calories! I just couldn't believe it. I used to eat those like all the time when I was little. Which is fine every now and then, but wow. That is almost all of your daily allowance for calories.   

-On food labels, the main thing you should be looking at is the fat content, carbohydrate, and overall calorie count. More specifically the saturated fats (these are the "bad" fats). It's good to know about the other stuff liek cholesterol and sodium but you gotta start somewhere! Generally, you should only eat something if the total fat content is less than 1/3 of the item. So, at the top of the label it gives you the calorie count and the total calories from fat. Do a simple math problem and figure out if the ratio is greater or less than 1/3. If it is, avoid it. Unsaturated fats are better for you, but still not in mass quantities. 

More to come....

Oh Nursing School....

This is how I am spending this beautiful Sunday afternoon ---> 

                   

And this is how I WISH I was spending my Sunday afternoon. (On a lake, at the beach, or anywhere but my couch really...) *SIGH*

     

The only thing that makes this afternoon a TINY bit bearable is the new music Adam gave me yesterday. Beulah, Bloc Party, Tilly and the Wall, etc. But I think they would sound a million times better through some boat speakers on a lake............. 

Dear Left Foot.

Dear Left Foot,

I wish that you would stop tingling so. I have grown to despise your constant "I'm Falling Asleep" burning sensation. Just wake up already!! It has been almost a week, I think it is finally time.

Love, 

Erika 

     Okay so for real, my foot has been doing this weird sensation since Sunday night, after I worked a 12 hour shift. Well, finally on Thursday I got tired of it and went to my trusty Chiropractor! Turns out I have a bulging disk in the L5 space which is pressing on my sciatic nerve. WONDERFUL! I've been icing my back like 4 times a day since Thursday and have to get adjusted twice a week for two weeks. As if I needed another thing to fit into my schedule... OH well...I just want the tingling to go away. 

     I also found out that I have a birth defect in my spine--a mild form of Spina Bifida called Spina Bifida Occulta. Who would have known? Apparently a lot of people have this, like up to 30-40% of the population, but it doesn't normally produce symptoms. Basically, my L5 didn't finish ossifying (the bone forming) so the vertebrae is weaker and the surrounding muscles have to work harder. Which is explains why I have had chronic low back pain since I was 14. It never has been excruciating pain or enough to take pain meds, just an annoying ache if I am on my feet a lot, exercise too much, etc. I just thought this bit of information was interesting! 

Here is a picture I found on my computer of me and my Dad! I thought it was precious and had to share!

The 25

My 25.

1. I have recurring nightmares that I am forced to put a giant contact into my eye. I can never get it to fit.
2. I used to watch Baywatch like every afternoon when I was little. I was obsessed with David Chokachi. Mmmm....
3. My biggest dream or desire in my life is to have children of my own. I have this irrational fear that I won't be able to.
4. I have never made a B before--on a report card or in a class. I am an overachiever. But I am sure my day is coming...
5. I am persistent and stubborn. Sometimes these qualities are great, and sometimes not. Adam and I have had to learn how to compromise when it comes to disagreements :) More like I had to learn haha (and am still learning)
6. I have thought about this 25 list for the past two weeks...I couldn't get it out of my head so I decided I should just do it so I can stop thinking of my 25...
7. Whenever I talk to old people (especially if they are my patients), my voice gets about two pitches higher and transforms into a thick, southern accent. Weird? Yes. Annoying? Yes. 
8. I honestly believe Katy and I were made to be best friends. I don't know anyone else that clicks with me the way that she does.
9.  I still love my highschool friends! We would still hang out all the time if we weren't so far away.
10. It makes me laugh to think that Adam and I were in the same 5th grade class together. I met my "potential hubby" in the 5th grade!! CRAZY...But he doesn't remember me hahahaha
11. I wish my hair were thicker :(
12. I once helped to save a life--a choking 1 year olds life! Praise God for CPR courses.
13. I never realized, until a few nights ago, how close I came to losing my baby sister when I was younger!! She was hit by a car but walked away with scratches...
14. I hadn't really thought much of it since it happened way back then, until I had a nightmare about my dog being run over by a car. Which led to me thinking about Hannah...I still have that image in my head of her running out in the street. 
15. The summer after my freshman year of college was one of the best and most challenging summers I've ever had. I did an internship with Shoal Creek Community Church in Liberty, MO. I learned so much about myself that summer and made some incredible friendships...some I wish I still had. My heart aches when I think about how much I miss that summer.
16. I think im going to have to have like 20 bridesmaids one day! 
17. Adam is one of the most genuine and kind-hearted people I know. He is 100% loyal to whatever he commits himself to. I still get excited when I think about how much he loves me. 
18. The Lord has spared me from a lot of heartache thus far in my life. I am incredibly blessed to be where I am now.
19. I want nothing more than for people to look at my life and see Christ. I want people to feel and see His love through me. This sounds so cliche but it really is something I desire. I cannot imagine walking this earth not feeling the love that I do each day from Him. I can't imagine not having His strength to rely on each day. 
20. The coolest thing to me is this: God's grace is renewed each day. There is nothing I could do that will separate me from His love. I am a wretched person! I do and think and say awful things!! I have an ugly heart, yet He still chooses me? Unfathomable. 
21. I see this picture of God's grace through Adam.
22. I read people's blogs daily that I have never met before. Call me pathetic but I love reading about people's lives--their struggles, pains, joys. Raw life is beautiful and it is something that interests me. People are fascinating!! 
23. I have to have the right amount of ice to diet coke in my glass. Otherwise, it doesn't taste as good to me. 
24. I HATE when cold things touch my skin!! Ewwww.
25. I sometimes long to be a child again. I miss the beauty of innocence and dependance. Being an adult has its perks, but I sometimes wish.....just for one day....

Kris Allen

     So, I've never been much of an idol watcher. I mean, I have watched the tryout portion of the show a few times, but I have never followed a season like I have this season. And that's simply because of Kris Allen!! It's really neat to see someone like that on national television--to read about him in the tabloids, etc. If anyone is deserving to be on that show, it's Kris! I don't know him personally but I have only ever heard wonderful things about him. And his wife is absolutely precious!!! I teared up watching her reaction when he was announced as Top 12 last night! It was just so adorable. I will continue to watch and vote like crazy and I hope that he makes it far!!! WOOHOO

     I love that I can actually play a part in him making it far on the show--I mean, maybe my votes don't make a huge difference, but it's a difference none the less. It's been really inspiring to watch how Conway has pulled together to support Kris! People are coming together to host watch parties and vote. There have been flyers made, news segments, radio announcements, etc! I mean, I was in one of my nursing classes the other day and someone had written an announcement for him on the marker board. How cool is that? K-life is also a HUGE supporter of Kris!! Love it.

     I think it speaks mountains that he has made it this far with as little air time as he has had thus far. I mean, at the beginning of the show and in hollywood--we were straining our eyes, pausing the DVR and saying "Is that him?! Is that the back of his head??" You wouldn't even know who he was if he hadn't made it to the top 36! But, his voice and performance have gotten him through--which is what it should be. Yay Kris!!!

Here's a video of him singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"--I snagged it off "Joe's Place Blog"

Kroger: it's Love-Hate relationship

 

Kroger

Things I hate about you

-You are always so crowded whenever I seem to find the time to go. Never go to Kroger on a Sunday afternoon, or on a weekday between 4-6. You are always infested with soccer-mom's-on-speed. They pick up their kids from school, then head to the grocers for some supper fixin's. Those women are on a freaking mission!! You are no longer a grocery store during those hours, you are a battlefield. Don't step out in front of these vicious ladies---they are not afraid of a little blood. 

-I always manage to pick out the cart that has only 3 working wheels. This means that whenever I need to maneuver around someone or something--perhaps a fruit stand or stray child--I have to literally pick the sucker up and slide it out of harms way. This is not a cute or quiet process. The working 3 wheels make an awful noise in protest, because, in fact, they are doing their job and do not see the necessity in being picked up. Sure, i manage to save the feral child's life, but I have attracted everyone else's attention in the process. Everyone wants to know who the idiot is trying to pop a wheelie with her shopping cart. No, fellow Kroger customer, I am not popping wheelies. I am saving your rampant child's life! Now go buy a child-leash and harness that baby!!! 

-Kroger, you are far too confusing and large for me to navigate. Please offer your customers a complimentary map at the the entrance so I don't look like such an idiot when I wander around the entire store in search of Pizza Zip!! Then, I could get my shopping done in a more efficient manner and not have to pace the aisle with my lame cart. Yes, I know Kroger should be relatively easy to navigate, but come on, some people just weren't made to instinctively know where things are. I have trouble finding my way home sometimes....

-You always cause a squabble between Adam and I. I am a one-track minded kind of person. I get in there and am thinking about everything I need to grab. I look at everything in the aisle to make sure I didn't miss something (which happens quite a lot). I am so focused on manuevering my ghetto fabulous cart and getting my items that I don't initiate getting out of people's way. Sure, I dodge the necessities (children, stacked displays, glass jars), but I am not too concerned with anything that is not in my or their immediate danger. Adam is so opposite. He is always getting out of the way, opening doors, moving things, etc. He gets so frustrated with me when I don't jump at this opportunity. I think it's kinda funny. Speaks a lot about his character! But definitely not mine ;) I am getting better tho! ((The gentleman below))

Things I love about you: 

-Kroger cards--although I can never seem to find that sucker in my wallet. I keep putting it in different places so I'll remember to use it, but then I end up looking where I put it the time before that and I can't seem to find the new residing place. I know, I know. I am a little ditzy at times. It's not my fault, I got it from Leah. 

-Self-checkout--I consider myself an independent girl, so naturally, I love the self-checkouts. It's easy, quick and usually never has lines (probably because it takes a while to figure out. That or people just have a fetish for watching the bag boy bag their groceries....HA)

No time. No blog.

Nursing school has officially taken over my life. I'm in my second year though!! It will be over before I know it. It's just hard to see the end right now... gurrr

It's Dia-beeties. Not Dia-beetus.

Two posts in one day? I must really be procrastinating :)

I just wanted to post something that has been on my mind lately--something silly that shouldn't be but is. 

     So, many of you know--at least if you know me personally you do--that I am a type I diabetic. I have had diabetes for a little over six years now. I was diagnosed at 14 and spent a week at Arkansas Children's Hospital. Fortunately, I haven't had any significant complications and have never had to be hospitalized because of it. Being in the healthcare profession has made me extra careful with controlling my diabetes. I get to learn every day about the complications and awful diseases that can be a result of diabetes (oaky, maybe not every day but it seems like it sometimes!) I will probably have heart disease when I'm older. I might start to lose the feeling in my legs one day. I could possibly have to have something amputated if I get 

an infected sore. I could go blind, deaf.....You get the picture. The LAST thing I want to do is live my life in fear of all of these nasty complications. I want to recognize that they could happen so that I will do everything in my power to control my blood sugars, but I refuse to let them haunt them. I refuse to be crippled with fear. I refuse to spend my life wondering in which form or fas

hion I will leave this earth. I am not guaranteed tomorrow and need to "let tomorrow worry about itself, for each day has enough trouble of its own". Matt 6:34 

    If you know me, you know that I am not afraid of talking about my disease. I think this was the first step for me in refusing to let this disease control me. I decided to be as open as possible with it. I will not let it keep me in the shadows. The Lord does not want me to become defeated. He allowed me to have this disease, therefore He will give me the courage and the strength to live each day with it. I just have to be more purposeful and responsible. I have to plan ahead and make sure I always have access to things like juice, plenty of insulin, and my glucometer. I have to be more intentional with working out--making sure I have eaten enough protein to get me through my run. 

     I'm not going to lie, there are days that I am down. There are days where I get frustrated and wish I could disconnect from the wires and 

toss my needles out the window. I am human. I am emotional. I am not invincible. The thing that probably annoys me the most about diabetes is when it sets me back or keeps me from doing something I would have done had I not been stricken with a low blood sugar, high blood sugar, or whatever. Sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing--take a break and drink a juice box. I don't like that. I want my diabetes to fit nicely into my life and not cause me any grief. I would love to just eat a donut and not think about all of the ridiculous questions that come with diabetes. How many carbs is in this? How much insulin will I have to give? What will this do to my blood sugar two hours later? 

    Ironically, as I type this my blood sugar is 348. Not cool. It should be in the 80-100 range. And its not. Therefore I have a headache, feel a little whoozy, and am extremely thirsty. Why is it three hundred you ask? Well, unfortunately, I can do everything right-- check my blood sugar before eating, bolus for how many carbs I ate, and yet it still isn't within normal limits. That's because things like stress, hormones, heat, exercise, and metabolism can affect your blood sugar. It also could be that my pump site is old, kinked, or clogged. This would mean that the bolus of insulin I administered never made it into my body. Talk about frustrating ;) However, I shouldn't complain because technological advancements have made this disease soo much more manageable. People used to have to pee on a stick every time they wanted to know their blood sugar level. Now THAT would suck. 

     I made a choice somewhere down the line that I would embrace diabetes. I made a choice that I would live with it and not against it. I will not spend my life resenting or pouting or asking for pity. This blog is definitely not meant for people to feel sorry for me! I am blessed beyond measure. I am completely healthy, despite the diabetes, and even then I am more fortunate then some. I have a Father who has a plan for me--who loves me and cares for me and gives me strength to live each day. 

     My main desire is this: I want to be able to take this courage that I have been given and help others. I want to be able to be a light for those who have let this disease pull them in the shadows. I want to be able to make a difference in their lives, because I know what they are going through. I feel their pain. I feel their frustration. Most importantly, I have felt their hopelessness. But that is no place to live. A heart without hope is a dead heart. 

I have no idea why I just wrote all of this but I felt compelled to and it helped me to get it off my chest! I hope that it can help someone, anyone. Then this nasty ol' disease I have can be worth it!  

Clumsy

     Some days it seems I can do nothing right...haha I am a bit accident prone/clumsy/ditzy whatever you prefer to call it! Adam and I made dinner tonight except I kept messing everything up. First it was the rice. I put the water and the rice in the pot together....before I put it on boil. Then it was the cheese. I spilled half the bag on the floor en route to the tortillas on the counter. I am always doing stuff like that--burning fingers, putting in the wet ingredients with the dry, underbaking and overbaking. I just have to laugh at myself though. That is what I am good that!! I can laugh. Adam will just have to put up with me :) It does irritate him though. He is so opposite of me in regards to how the kitchen is run or how his apartment is set up. EVERYTHING has a home. I'm not kidding. I'm not exaggerating. If I put my shoes too close to the recliner, he will move them two inches to the right. If i drop one grain of rice on the ground, he will go by and pick it up. It's quite comical to watch. His pillows on his bed are THE WORST!!! Each pillow serves a purpose, and he has about ten of them. One for his head, one for his feet, one between his legs, one on top of his head.....the list goes on. His covers are arranged ever so perfectly. My favorite thing is to jump in his bed and mess all the covers up. Its funny to watch him try to not care. He'll tense up a little bit as I launch myself on top of his perfectly arranged bed and as soon as I leave, he is putting things back to order. 

I guess he will have to get used to a little chaos in his life ;) 

A memoir

     I have had a lot on my mind lately...as always. But in particular, I have been thinking about some former patients. Technically, they are not MY patients, but I like to call them that because I spent a lot of time with each of these babies and feel some sort of connection to them. Most of them were regulars in the icu where I work--staying for months or years at a time. My heart is full of sadness today, because one of those regulars passed away a few days ago. His name was JoJo, and he was incredible. 

     That little two year old had so much life in him, yet he was inches from death for most of his life. He spent his days in the hospital--in a bed, on a breathing machine, hooked up to IVs, fed through a tube in his little belly. Everyone knew JoJo.  Everyone loved JoJo. I remember the day I started work and found myself in JoJo's room. He was sitting upright in his bed, surrounded by all his stuffed animals, books, and toys, and he had a mischievous grin on his little face. I instantly fell in love with that tiny toddler. He had a fascination with Blue's Clues and would let you know, with much demanding, when he wanted to watch it. Because of the trach in his neck, he could not talk very well so he signed what he wanted to say. That only made him more precious. You couldn't deny him what he wanted. It was next to impossible. 

     I remember that I found relief in JoJo's room. Starting my job was stressful and incredibly intimidating. I was constantly being fearful of screwing things up or being yelled at by the multiple doctors or attendings that wander the unit. It was a tough transition. If I was having a bad day, I would go into JoJo's room and my mood was instantly lifted. You couldn't help but smile. He loved attention. He hated it when people left his room. He was such a joy and delight to be around and he brought so much life to the unit. 

    My heart is heavy today, not for myself, but for the wonderful family and friends he left behind. I know they wanted more time with JoJo. I know their hearts are aching and broken right now. I know they are confused and upset and hurt and angry. I know they are asking why. I know they are looking for answers. I know they wish they could turn back time and cherish every moment. I know because I have been through it. Not anything to the degree that JoJo's family is going through, but I have been around and experienced enough loss to know that it sucks. It's painful. It's ugly. It's awful. Christ never promises that life will be easy. Ugh. So true. He only promises that he will never leave. He only promises that he will be there to hold us when we are broken, to listen when we're angry, to wipe our tears when we cry. He promises peace and healing to those that call on Him. 

     The only light or hope I see in this devastating situation is this: JoJo is no longer in any more pain. He can walk, he can talk, he can breathe, he can laugh. JoJo is free. Free from the ventilator, free from tubes and lines and wires. JoJo is in heaven, in his complete and perfect form. He is home at last, even though it probably doesn't feel like it down here on earth. :(

Great Give-away

So, I found this girl's blog randomly one day, and I fell in love with her company called Good Gals Inc. (www.goodgalsinc.com ) She makes lingerie, more specifically pasties. They are all so adorable and would be GREAT gifts for lingerie showers, bachelorette parties, etc. You can custom make them or choose from one of her designs. One day I will purchase one of these for my hubby :)! I think they are so unique and classy. Anyways, I'm posting this because right now she is having a give away. You should check out her blog at http://goodgalsinc.blogspot.com/ She's going to give away some sets and you can get a half price coupon for posting about it in your blog :) Awesome. 

Come on people. Where is the love? Follow my blog :) 

All hail the Trans Sport

     As I was driving back to school the other day, I passed an old Pontiac Trans Sport van. Now, if you know anything about mini vans, you would now that this particular mini van was ahead of its time back in the ol' 90's. What do you mean, you ask? Well, I will let you in on a secret. This mini van's side door opens with the touch of a button. Yes, I know. You are all in disbelief. But, I distinctly remember being fascinated with this fantastic feature as a mere child. My family was not privileged enough to own such a high-tech van, so I just went over to my neighbors and played in her van instead. Yes. We would play in that van like it was a clubhouse or a modern day space ship. We would punch that little button and watch in amazement as the side door glided open and close with ease. We were in awe and disbelief. Just how in the world did that door open with no manual power? Were there tiny elves inside, hard at work constantly pushing and pulling the door? Did someone have an invisible string attached to the door, who gave a slight tug at the precise moment? Or perhaps it was pure magic, the work of none other than mystical powers? Whatever it was, it kept me at a constant state of awe. I was always the first to volunteer and to ride captain seat in the Trans Sport. I always rendered my services of being the one to push the beloved button. But you couldn't be too hasty--pushing the button before its time caused a nasty beeping noise. The Trans Sport was readily prepared for hasty little children like me.... Oh to be young and naive again.....

There she glows, in all her splendor and glory.....

Painful Realizations

      So my original intent for this blog was to share what was/is on my heart but I haven't exactly kept with this theme. It's so much easier to be superficial---to write about what I did last weekend or a funny story about friends. Those are all good and well, and I have no intentions of not including those, but I have come to realize these past few weeks how distant and numb my heart really is right now. I have a lot of emotions to sift through, a lot of choices to make, and a relationship to heal. 

     Why is it so easy for me to just turn my heart off? Why is it so easy for me to feel nothing but apathy? I have found myself in a deep valley these past few months and I am ready to climb out. I am ready to see sunlight. I am desperate to feel something, anything. Honesty has always been something very important to me, something that I feel obligated to share with others. But when it comes to myself, I am not always so quick to honesty. Truth hurts. It's ugly. It's messy. It's hard. 

    I am not going to run anymore. 

In church the other day my pastor Greg talked about how Christ was in the business of rescue. And this business is not a one-time-only rescue. He is in the business to rescue us time and time again. He doesn't care who you are, what you have done, how many times you have done it, or how you feel about him. He has made us a promise to rescue us whenever we call. All that is needed is a recognition. A recognition that we are desperate and in need. A recognition that we can no longer pull ourselves up out of the hole and need help. Admitting this is the first step to humility and healing. 

I am ready for my rescue. 

A fresh start.

I have been doing a lot of deep thinking and processing lately. I'm so thankful for the great friends in my life who I can talk to and just be completely honest with. I always appreciate their feedback (Even though it hurts sometimes). I think that everyone should have friends that ask the tough questions you spend your life avoiding. 

     These past few days have been a good thing, but definitely exhausting. I have a lot of mixed feelings and emotions but I am definitely excited for what this new year has to bring. I have realized this break how much I dislike who I have become. I am going to be doing things differently from now on, and I am both excited and scared for what is to come. 

I know this is very vague and short--I will blog after I have some more time to pray/process etc. 

Night!